Date Everything!, a dating sim taken to the max.
Fair warning: This is not a game for children. The topics are meant for adults and older audiences.
Date Everything! is a unique and hilarious dating sim that takes dating to the next level. “Date your coffee machine”; you might like it. Date Everything! was developed by Sassy Chap Games, known for their other titles of similar quirkiness. The company was founded by a group of voice actors, such as Robbie Daymond, Ray Chase, and Max Mittelman.
The game was published by its developer, Sassy Chap Games, and Team17 Digital Limited, a UK-based video game company that both develops and publishes games. It’s headquartered in Wakefield, England. The company was formed in December 1990 when the British publishing group 17-Bit Software merged with the Swedish development team known as Team.
Those magical glasses that bring your appliances to life? They’re hot property stolen from Valdivian Corp’s labs, and now you’re caught in the middle. The mysterious ‘tinfoilhat’, your shady benefactor, swiped this experimental tech. It’s a game-changing twist that raises the stakes dramatically. The glasses become your most powerful tool, but also your biggest liability.
The game locks you into its clever daily rhythm right from the start; you only get five dateable interactions per day, and hitting up the same character twice? Forget about it. No showering your favourite toaster with endless praise here. This system forces a tough choice: go deep with a select few appliances or play the field like some kind of household Casanova.
Now here’s where it gets interesting. Each dateable comes with their own dealbreakers and sweet spots. Take Rebel, a sarcastic rubber ducky, who doesn’t care what you think. Or Dorian, your apartment’s resident door-bouncer, who’ll straight-up tell you what he dislikes. These aren’t just quirks; they’re your roadmap to not dying alone in appliance paradise.
But the real magic happens when you’re not looking. Your light sources might be giving dating advice to your alarm clock. These little moments? They turn your apartment into a living, breathing world where every object has its drama going on. No grand fantasy kingdoms are needed, just some sharp writing and a microwave with commitment issues.
There’s a whole relationship system to wrap your head around, but trust me, it’s way more fun than it sounds. That whirlwind romance with Amir, your dramatic hallway mirror? Might crash when his poetic declarations get too intense. But Fantina, that starstruck ceiling fan who swoons at your every move? She’ll be spinning with devotion forever. This isn’t some checklist romance simulator; these Dateables leave impressions.
Now let’s talk about how this all starts. You’re just another faceless drone at Valdivian Corp. The realism hurts. Just when you’re settling into the soul-crushing routine? Meet the new AI you’ve been unknowingly training. Valdivian can’t just let you go, so you’re left floundering at home with nothing to do while still getting paid. It’s terrifyingly relatable, until suddenly it’s not, because here comes Skylar Specs like a glitter cannon to the face.
Speaking of Skylar, she’s not your average tutorial. This walking, talking pair of Dateviators doesn’t just explain the rule. Stats? Flirting techniques? Amir’s Shakespearean sonnets about your reflection? Fantina’s starry-eyed admiration? She’ll coach you through it all with enough energy to power a small city.
But Skylar’s just the start. The real tutorial MVP in Date Everything! is Dorian, your apartment’s sentient door (yes, a door; the game’s logic is delightfully flexible). With the demeanour of a nightclub bouncer and the emotional range of a rom-com lead, Dorian teaches you the art of wooing inanimate objects.
His lessons are equal parts hilarious and oddly insightful: Like friendship, not just romance. Dislikes: jealousy and potentially dangerous situations that love can cause. By the time you’re set loose to romance your blender or serenade your sofa, you’re fully invested in this bizarre, beautiful world.
Once the tutorials wrap, the game becomes a sandbox of surreal dating possibilities. Want to pursue a slow-burn romance with your books? Who’s really into deep conversations about literature? Go for it. Prefer the chaotic energy of your malfunctioning powerbox? That’s an option too.
The writing shines brightest here, with each object’s personality reflecting its purpose: your TV is a drama queen; your trophies, well, they are a little bit of a narcissistic sweetheart, and your cell phone? A little helpful, sweetheart, with a cool and laid-back personality. Players will need to master several key mechanics once those magical glasses activate, each dramatically affecting their dating simulator experience. The interface transforms completely, loading up with specialised apps that determine your romantic success rate.
First up is the Date-a-Dex – your essential dating encyclopaedia. Think of it like a Pokédex, but instead of catching monsters, you’re cataloguing potential partners (yes, even that cheerful coffee maker). Every dateable gets their profile tracking critical info: Fantina, the fan’s obsession with celebrity gossip, and Amir, the mirror’s weakness for heartfelt compliments. Pro tip: Check these constantly if you want to avoid accidental heartbreak.
Then there’s the S.P.E.C.S. system (Synaptic Personality Evaluation & Charisma Stats), which works like your character’s emotional fingerprint in Date Everything!. Every conversation builds your stats across five categories: poise, empathy, charm, sass, and smarts.
These aren’t just numbers; they’re literal gatekeepers. Try flirting with the fireplace without enough Sass points? You’ll end up saying a lame pickup line. Want to match wits with your suave Mirror? Better have that Sass stat maxed. The Roomers App adds another layer; these cryptic messages hint at everything from secret Dateables to Valdivian’s shady experiments. Some are red herrings, and others lead to game-changing reveals. Consider it your corporate espionage mini-game.
Finally, Skylar’s Hotline is your panic button. Stuck on a date with your existential showerhead? Need pep talks before confessing to the fridge? One call brings your glitter-coated guide bursting onto the screen with advice, encouragement, and the occasional inappropriate wink.
Date Everything! isn’t just fun; it’s thoughtful. It presents emotional puzzles that require care and consideration, especially when dateables bring up heavier topics. Skylar steps in with a built-in content warning, giving players full control to engage with sensitive material or skip ahead.
This smart system keeps the experience respectful while maintaining depth; you’re always making meaningful choices, not just about romance strategies, but also about your comfort levels. Date Everything! players need to think critically about what they’re ready to handle, ensuring every interaction feels safe and intentional as they navigate the game’s emotional landscape.
Where the game Date Everything! What truly shines is its unapologetic personality and visual transformation. The game crafts a world that’s equal parts corporate satire and neon-drenched fever dream, pulling you from sterile office drudgery into a universe where your appliances have more emotional depth than your coworkers.
The premise delivers gut-punch social commentary about AI replacing jobs, only to swerve into absurdist romance where existential showerheads and tsundere smart fridges become compelling love interests. But here’s the catch: for all its narrative ambition, the core dating mechanics follow predictable visual novel logic. Your choices affect individual relationships, but the overarching corporate conspiracy plot marches forward regardless of whether you’re romancing toasters or solving mysteries.
The characters in Date Everything!, meanwhile, are where the game absolutely soars. Dateables like Fantina, the starstruck fan, and Amir, the poetically romantic mirror, showcase writing that’s both hilarious and unexpectedly heartfelt. With 100+ dateable objects, there is someone, or something, there for everyone.
Visually, the game seamlessly executes its dual identity. The muted, House Flipper-inspired corporate aesthetic makes the Dateviators’ neon explosion genuinely breathtaking. Transforming your apartment into a living cartoon where every object winks, blushes, or glowers with Pixar-level expressiveness. Characters’ unique looks and relative designs bring a great feel and attraction with out-of-the-box reactions and personalities.
The voice acting highly elevates the experience further in Date Everything! – expertly delivered by the voice actors, they don’t just read the lines; they fully commit to the bit and character personalities, whether it’s a Doors’ seductive purr or the cheerful tones of Skylar. While the core visual novel format isn’t revolutionary, the presentation is polished to such a radiant sheen that you’ll forgive its familiar rhythms.
Beneath the humour, though, Date Everything! sneaks in moments of genuine heart. It’s a game about connection, about finding meaning in the mundane when the “real world” treats you as disposable. In a society where people feel increasingly replaceable, the idea that even your toaster might cherish you is weirdly – and I mean weirdly – comforting. It touches on so many subjects and doesn’t force the player to go through it if they choose not to.
Overall, Date Everything! is fun; it’s funny; it feels safe. The game has both heartfelt and ridiculous moments, but overall, it’s really worth playing. When you see your toaster, you can share a private giggle at the thought and wonder what your toaster’s personality might be like. Give it a try; watch the drama unfold.
